I recently reread the Book "Running With Scissors" by Augusten Burroughs in anticipation of the movie coming out. (I really loved his book "Dry". One of my all time favorite passages in any book EVER is when he arrives in rehab and the other patients force the stuffed animal on him during group therapy. It's classic.)

So. . . in "Running With Scissors" the crazy family he lives with does something called "Bible Dips". You ask a question, flip open the bible at random and point to a word or passage without looking. Therein contains your answer, suitable for interpretation as you see fit. Now, I don't know where my Bible is and I hope it stays that way for the time being. Therefore I will be looking to my own personal Jesus, my iPod, to dazzle me with insight straight from the universe. I will ask a question and my iPod, set on shuffle, will provide meaningful answers. Shuffle is supposed to be random but there have been too many cases when I feel like it's reading my mind. Clearly Apple has determined a way to tap into the mystical power of the cosmos. Here goes.

Question "Why is my ex husband dating a stripper?" (I kid you not. He really is.)

IPod Response: "Funky Kingston" by Tools and the Maytals"

Hmmmm . . . let's consult the lyrics shall we?

"I want you to come on and shake it

Shake it, shake it baby

Oh yeah

Funky funky funky

Funky Kingston is what I've got for you, oh yeah"

Clearly the shake it portion refers to the stripper, that dirty no good whore. I am fairly certain her act includes some "shaking it". Also, I believe "Funky Kingston" is the name of a recently discovered sexually transmitted disease. ("That one night stand with the stripper left me with Funky Kingston. Damn it itches!")

Question: "Will I ever have children?"

IPod Answer: "Born Country" by Alabama

I must tell you that I am not an Alabama fan ok? This song is on my iPod because I downloaded it for a funny mix I made. Really. However, I find it very applicable as it does indeed mention children:

"Moonlight and you hear beside me.

Crickets serenadin' in the yard.

What more could two people ask for.

Laying here in love beneath the stars.

Now this is where I wanna raise my kids.

Just the way my mom and daddy did."

Now this is where I wanna raise my kids? I will take that as a yes, I will have children. (That is terrifying. TERRIFYING. Almost more terrifying than the overly tanned face of the dirty whore stripper, may she get what she deserves. Which is apparently life with my ex husband - a punishment I wouldn't wish on anyone.)

Question: "Is it possible that my job will become enjoyable again?"

IPod Answer: "Sweet Surrender" by Bread.

What could this mean? It means that I have a really odd mix of music on my iPod.

"Baby I'm through, runnin its true

I'd be a fool to try to escape you

Maybe I'm beat but oh what a sweet surrender."

OK now this is really freaking me out. I mean obviously the iPod is telling me to give up and accept that job will not be enjoyable any time soon. Surrender Sashie surrender!

Question: "Is there a God?"

IPod Answer: "Stupid Girls" by Pink.

This may take a bit to find a connection. This is the only reference to God or god in the lyrics:

"Oh my god you guys, I totally had more than 300 calories."

No idea what the universe is trying to tell me. Maybe it's about the stripper again.

Question: "Should I buy a new pair of shoes to make myself feel less depressed?"

IPod Answer: "Hey Fuck You" by the Beastie Boys.

LMAO. "I'm walkin' on water while you're stepping in shit

So put your sewer boots on before your ass gets lit."

Clearly I am meant to buy a new pair of boots. Sewer boots. Or is it that I am free (walkin on water), while the dirty whore stripper is stepping in shit? Yes! Thank you iPod!

"And if you don't like then hey fuck you!"

Oops! Profanity. It's not me, it's the iPod.

~SD

.