Just Me Typing

Quote For the Week

2006-07-31T13:33:00.000-07:00

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."

Emerson

Best Three Words 2006-06-24

2006-07-25T13:12:00.000-07:00

My three favorite words I read or heard today:

recriminations

enthusiast

ill serve

Haiku

2006-07-24T21:10:00.000-07:00

One hundred and five
Degrees outside and wilting
Autumn sweet relief

A Favorite Quote

2006-07-24T10:21:00.000-07:00

"No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."
Friedrich Nietzsche
German philosopher (1844 - 1900)

This is the portion preceding that sentence:

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened."

Wikipedia link for Nietzsche

Thoughts on pharmaceuticals

2006-07-23T13:43:00.000-07:00

So after waiting far too long to visit the doc for updated prescriptions I finally forced my poor little self to the doctor about 4 weeks ago. Now I like my doctor. He's a great guy and definitely has his patients' well being at heart. He's had a bit of a hard time himself, allegedly having to quit practicing for a time to enter rehab for alcoholism. Now maybe other people would shy away from a doctor who had been to REHAB but to me that makes him human and that much more likely to understand what the depths of despair can feel like. He now volunteers at the local addiction clinic. He also just traveled to India to provide healthcare and health education classes for children in poor villages, actually traveling from place to place on horseback. So the guy should be in line for sainthood if you ask me.

I got into the room and immediately turned purple. My neck and upper arms flush when I am nervous. He walked in, we shook hands and he said "You flush when you are nervous." I nodded. He said "There is no need to be nervous. Today won't be any worse than any other time you have been in the room." I think to myself "EXACTLY." It's hard talking about yourself and your ailments with a person you see once a year. I told him how I had been struggling lately. I described my attempt to wean myself off of my meds, taking Wellbutrin every other day and halves of Celexa and finally running out of Celexa entirely and taking Wellbutrin only a few times a week. I explained that I had often felt my depression was situational, a very different childhood, abusive marriage and recent divorce caused my depression. Those things were no longer a factor. I was free so I should be free from meds, right? Our conversation went like this:

Saint Doctor: "So how have you felt taking less medication?"

Me, stupid patient: "Well, depressed I guess."

Saint Doctor: "Depressed? What type of symptoms?"

Me, stupid patient flushing purple and pink splotches: "I have felt tired, and sad. I cry about things that I shouldn't. I am irritable, do not sleep well and have trouble concentrating. Basically all those commercials on TV are dead on. I feel like the latest advertisement."

Saint Doctor: "How has this affected your daily life?"

Me, wishing I had a big Zanax to wash down RIGHT NOW: "I don't feel suicidal but sometimes I feel like it would be a lot easier to just give up. I drink too much out of boredom or sadness. I am struggling with work and doing a good job, being accurate and productive. I find it really hard to communicate with co-workers and family because I am in such a deep funk."

Saint Doctor: "Does medication help you feel better?"

Me, starting to feel really dumb: "Well yeah it definitely helps with those symptoms. I just get so frustrated that I will be taking medication for the rest of my life. I just want to be normal but here I am popping pills every day."

Saint Doctor: "Millions of people take medication. So when you are not taking medication consistently you feel depressed and anxious. When you take it you feel better. So what is the right course?"

Me, shrinking into a little midget patient, head hung low: "Taking medication."

Saint Doctor: "Right. It's likely genetic. If you were to ever attempt to stop taking medication you would need to be undergoing intensive, twice weekly therapy while you did so. Don't stop taking your meds."

Me, wondering where my logic had disappeared to: "OK."

Weekly intensive therapy? Whoa.

I left with an updated RX for Wellbutrin and some samples of Cymbalta. I have fibromyalgia and Cymbalta may be effective for the aching and muscles soreness that is a mainstay of the disease. Still determining if that is the case. Side effects hampering my love for it but it does reduce the aching.

All in all the visit reminded me that I AM AN IDIOT.

Three Things I Hate/Love

2006-07-22T13:53:00.000-07:00

Hate:

#1 The damn garbage collector only picks up my trash every third week or so.
#2 Overpaid executives who are not overly smart.
#3 The mind suck that is MTV reality shows.

Love:

#1 The fresh salsa from the co-op. Heaven.
#2 The guilt free Saturday sleep in.
#3 The mind suck that is MTV reality shows.

2006-07-11T19:50:00.000-07:00

The home is falling into ruins. I am currently in "Only Do That Necessary To Continue Living and By Living I Mean Taking In Breath and Then Expelling It and Repeating" mode. Other than breathing I really need to do a few things. Here is a list:

#1 Wash some underwear and quit wearing swimsuit bottoms instead of panties. Am running out of swimsuits.
#2 Update Myspace profile.
#3 Drink this bottle of gin.
#4 Download that damn Nelly Furtado song. (I loved her second album "Folklore" which was NOT produced by Timbaland.)
#5 Quit hatin' on the word "panties". I hate that word. Along with "moist" and "ointment". BLECH.

~s

Rolling On the Floor Laughing

2006-07-10T19:42:00.000-07:00

Oh hoho! So I am at home feeling sorry for myself because:

#1 I am depressed and require three forms of medication to simply exist as a human.
#2 My family is currently shutting me out because I am no longer one of Jehovah's Witnesses and have considered having normal life that does not conform to their freakish standards. FREAKING FREAKISH FRICK AND FUCKIN FRACK.
#3 I suspect that my "boyfriend" (in quotes because his status is currently in question) is fully tired of the first two reasons I am feeling sorry for myself and I DON"T FUCKIN BLAME HIM.

HOWEVER, just in time to save my from my depths of despair I stumble upon the geekiest of geeky shows with a Paris Hilton flair "World Series of Pop Culture". What?! It's like Trivial Pursuit but with teams and on on VH-1! YEAH! How can I be on this show? Actually I wouldn't make it because the geeky geeksters seem to be really into COMICS. HAHAHA. That's not so much my program but god bless 'em they are totally into it. Peace and love to the geeks yo. With a totally serious host in a suit. LOVE IT.

SD

iPod

2006-07-06T18:07:00.000-07:00

I reread my post about looking to my iPod for guidance. I want to reiterate that I really did go through this exercise. I really did write down a question (as text in Edit Pad) and then hit play. Those were the actual songs returned in response to my questions. If I was trying to be cool and hip I would have said my iPod only contained Gnarls Barkley, sigur ros and Tegan and Sara. Those just didn't show up. All hail the powers of the iPod.

Looking to shuffle for guidance

2006-07-05T14:36:00.000-07:00

I recently reread the Book "Running With Scissors" by Augusten Burroughs in anticipation of the movie coming out. (I really loved his book "Dry". One of my all time favorite passages in any book EVER is when he arrives in rehab and the other patients force the stuffed animal on him during group therapy. It's classic.)

So. . . in "Running With Scissors" the crazy family he lives with does something called "Bible Dips". You ask a question, flip open the bible at random and point to a word or passage without looking. Therein contains your answer, suitable for interpretation as you see fit. Now, I don't know where my Bible is and I hope it stays that way for the time being. Therefore I will be looking to my own personal Jesus, my iPod, to dazzle me with insight straight from the universe. I will ask a question and my iPod, set on shuffle, will provide meaningful answers. Shuffle is supposed to be random but there have been too many cases when I feel like it's reading my mind. Clearly Apple has determined a way to tap into the mystical power of the cosmos. Here goes.

Question "Why is my ex husband dating a stripper?" (I kid you not. He really is.)

IPod Response: "Funky Kingston" by Tools and the Maytals"

Hmmmm . . . let's consult the lyrics shall we?

"I want you to come on and shake it

Shake it, shake it baby

Oh yeah

Funky funky funky

Funky Kingston is what I've got for you, oh yeah"

Clearly the shake it portion refers to the stripper, that dirty no good whore. I am fairly certain her act includes some "shaking it". Also, I believe "Funky Kingston" is the name of a recently discovered sexually transmitted disease. ("That one night stand with the stripper left me with Funky Kingston. Damn it itches!")

Question: "Will I ever have children?"

IPod Answer: "Born Country" by Alabama

I must tell you that I am not an Alabama fan ok? This song is on my iPod because I downloaded it for a funny mix I made. Really. However, I find it very applicable as it does indeed mention children:

"Moonlight and you hear beside me.

Crickets serenadin' in the yard.

What more could two people ask for.

Laying here in love beneath the stars.

Now this is where I wanna raise my kids.

Just the way my mom and daddy did."

Now this is where I wanna raise my kids? I will take that as a yes, I will have children. (That is terrifying. TERRIFYING. Almost more terrifying than the overly tanned face of the dirty whore stripper, may she get what she deserves. Which is apparently life with my ex husband - a punishment I wouldn't wish on anyone.)

Question: "Is it possible that my job will become enjoyable again?"

IPod Answer: "Sweet Surrender" by Bread.

What could this mean? It means that I have a really odd mix of music on my iPod.

"Baby I'm through, runnin its true

I'd be a fool to try to escape you

Maybe I'm beat but oh what a sweet surrender."

OK now this is really freaking me out. I mean obviously the iPod is telling me to give up and accept that job will not be enjoyable any time soon. Surrender Sashie surrender!

Question: "Is there a God?"

IPod Answer: "Stupid Girls" by Pink.

This may take a bit to find a connection. This is the only reference to God or god in the lyrics:

"Oh my god you guys, I totally had more than 300 calories."

No idea what the universe is trying to tell me. Maybe it's about the stripper again.

Question: "Should I buy a new pair of shoes to make myself feel less depressed?"

IPod Answer: "Hey Fuck You" by the Beastie Boys.

LMAO. "I'm walkin' on water while you're stepping in shit

So put your sewer boots on before your ass gets lit."

Clearly I am meant to buy a new pair of boots. Sewer boots. Or is it that I am free (walkin on water), while the dirty whore stripper is stepping in shit? Yes! Thank you iPod!

"And if you don't like then hey fuck you!"

Oops! Profanity. It's not me, it's the iPod.

~SD

All Alone

2006-06-28T19:46:00.000-07:00

It's really hard when all you want is a good relationship with your family and you are old enough to not be in the typical parent/child roles and yet there is something that stands in the way. It is probably different things for different people. Maybe you yearn for a real relationship with a parent but you've lost them in death. Then you really have no options to change the out come and I am so sorry for anyone who no longer has their parents. For me it's religion that will ultimately prevent me from having the family bonds I want. Religion is such a powerful thing. My family ascribes to a religion that only accepts their viewpoint, so much so that those outside of the religion are deemed unworthy if you will. It's a close knit group. It's not my group anymore. I want so badly for them to accept me. I know they love me. I love them. Yet it's not going to be enough. To thine own self be true is the only way I can live at this point now that I have made it through some really hard times where I lost sight of myself and who and I am and what I believe and what I will tolerate and what I need from life. I need them to accept me. I do not want to be cut off. I fear that may happen. I am very saddened by this. I think my heart might burst. I am not a bad person. Please love me for who I am and please don't leave me. I will be so lonely without you. They are going to leave me no choice. (CRY)

Unrealistic Expectations

2006-06-12T20:30:00.000-07:00

I am given to too much thinking and little action. Pretty much all I do is think. I don't actually DO anything. The majority of my thoughts are how inadequate I feel. I know I am not a an inadequate human. I know it but don't believe it. I am never good enough. The second I complete something there are fifteen other things staring me in the face. What does it take to feel deep inner contentment? Even if I complete 14 things on a to do list for one day the next day has it's own list. I can't breathe. I can't ever feel DONE.

I was perusing Flickr to find an interesting pic to add to post. I entered "mountain". I entered "climb". I was thinking of a metaphor - something overwrought like "Life is a journey. Here I am in the middle of the journey!" (Puke.) After reviewing people's photo of climbing Mount Kilimanjaro I now feel even more inadequate. Ppppfttttt.

Sad, sad eyes

2006-06-10T11:44:00.000-07:00

Sad, sad eyes
Originally uploaded by trentstrohm.

I am struggling. May had so much going on but left me exhausted. What is the point of having all this fun if it leaves you feeling like this? HELP. Basically traveling is great and grand and something I love. Yet just getting the things together to go on a trip is a huge project. Partly this is due to my extreme disorganization. I can't pack because I don't know where the things are that I need to take. I spend a hour at Rite Aid every trip buying the same shit. Sunblock, chapstick, razors. I buy it every time even though I already have it somewhere else. I don't mean that I can't find the sunblock from one yearly vacation to the next I mean one weekend trip to the next. It's completely ridiculous.

Wait a second - I just figured out that I said in one sentence that I am SO struggling BOO HOO - but the extent of my struggling is that I have to go to Rite Aid before I go to trips?!? Wow how do I manage to survive? (Rolling eyes at stupidity.) Let me try again. I can't determine the words to explain on how many levels I feel I am struggling. I am tired. My body is sore. I have no energy. I went on a lot of trips and enjoyed them but never want to leave my home again. I lost my expensive digital camera. My car is broken, I need to go to the doctor, I can't take care of my yard, and I am apathetic regarding my job and angry with the corporate structure and changes that have resulted in it COMPLETELY SUCKING.

How do I begin to pull myself out of this dreck?

American Idol

2006-05-24T19:23:00.000-07:00

So I am watching the finale and am completely blown away by the fact that CLAY AIKEN LOOKS LIKE LINDSAY LOHAN. I'm just sayin'. Spittin image.

Depression

2006-05-23T12:59:00.000-07:00

So lately I have been feeling depressed. I know depression well. I have dealt with it since I was 15 and that was 13 years ago. (Am approaching old maid age I know.) Recently I underwent many changes in my life. These changes, including divorce, were overall very positive in the long run and I can now say I have a measure of contentment in my life that I have never experienced as an adult. I had often thought the depression was situational. Now that I am no longer in a negative environment I should be happy, right? Yes, but. . .

I still feel depressed. It is not the skull crushing, spirit pulverizing kind. It is the "I don't get any enjoyment from ANYTHING" kind. I have not helped this situation by my behavior either. I have lapsed taking antidepressants on a regular basis for several reasons. One, I am forgetful. Two, I severely procrastinate in matters of health and have not seen a physician for over a year. Therefore my prescriptions have run out.

I have some Wellbutrin left and have committed to faithfully taking them, hoping that within a week I will feel some sort of difference.

So while I am grateful this episode is not the unable to get out of bed episode of the past, I had forgotten how truly disheartening it is to not enjoy anything. It reminds me that my mental health is fragile and I need to safeguard it.

olde-timey lawnmowers

2006-05-16T19:52:00.000-07:00

olde-timey lawnmowers
Originally uploaded by elinar.

I HATE mowing my yard. I am having a gin and tonic to try to find some enthusiasm.

UPDATE: No amount of gin could make mowing the yard fun.

Fortune Cookies

2006-05-11T21:29:00.000-07:00

I felt like I am on the cusp of something. Some new presence of mind. Clarity.

Recent fortune cookies:

"You will travel both far and wide for business and pleasure"

Indeed - my next three weekends I will on traveling adventures.

"The star of happiness is shining on you"

My life is much different than I ever thought possible. I am grateful.

Life Quiz

2006-05-08T22:14:00.000-07:00

That's it? A 5.something or other? I would rate my life higher overall if you just walked up to me on the street and asked me. I know, how much can really be determined from silly online quizzes!? ;) Nothing really but they are pretty entertaining. Still - a five? Wow. Clearly I need to think a bit about "spirit" which relates to religious ambivalence regarding religion in general after being raised in a strict, organized one.

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	5.7
Mind:	5.1
Body:	6.1
Spirit:	4.5
Friends/Family:	4.7
Love:	6.9
Finance:	7.7
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

My Sidebar Links Take Me To Random Site

2006-05-08T21:41:00.000-07:00

Obviously I am using a template here. I changed the links from "Edit Me" to ones I was interested in. This was only for my benefit because I am the only person who looks at this page. I was using it as my own sort of favorites listing. It was like bookmarking all my sites I visit often. However, today I click on the links and am NOT taken to the correct URL. I get taken to some junk site. I pride myself on being able to find just about anything by googling it but what to call this? So I just axed the links. I still would like to understand how this happens (and how to stop it) and why it is to someone's benefit to redirect links on some random, new blog with no traffic. At first I was afraid it was my computer. Although (knock on wood) I have a Mac so safe from some random, unintended virus or spyware crap from a download right? I checked at work and same result. Lame-o.

Cool Things I Saw In The Neighborhood Today

2006-05-06T19:37:00.000-07:00

A yardsale with all proceeds going to the Humane Society.
A teenage kid practicing a drum solo. The door to the house was open so I think he was hoping for an audience.
A white and turquoise Schwinn bike that looked to be from the 50s or so. Sweet bike.
Two young gals (maybe 11 or 12) in tennis outfits coming back from the tennis courts at the park and talking a mile a minute. So girlish and cute!
My sprinklers going on. God bless the person who invented automatic sprinklers.

It's BLOG not BLOC

2006-05-02T19:56:00.000-07:00

Hmmm . . .

Someone might want to let blogger.com know that the spellcheck feature doesn't recognize the word "blog". Too funny. It suggests the word "bloc" as a replacment. ROAR.

Soooooo . . . .

2006-05-02T19:34:00.000-07:00

Apparently it's not taking that first step of starting a blog that is difficult. It's writing the second post. I thought I would take this post to delve into why a blog is so appealing. Look at me! I'm a writer! I write! I craft words into perfect sentences, capturing a moment while being witty and charming! Somehow that is so appealing. And yet if the definition of a writer is just someone who writes then the super secret diary hidden under the mattress should make me the same thing. This feels different though. It feels like I hit "publish" and poof! out go these words to who knows where but there is a chance, the slightest slightest chance that some random person will be visiting blogger.com, also thinking about being a "writer" but not quite taking that plunge, and some how happen upon these words, my words. I love clicking on a random blog. Who knows what you'll get. It could be great. It could be truly awful. The truly awful ones are still entertaining if not more so. It could just be some gal posting how much she hates her weight, her job, her sister in law. Such banal things! Yet they are infinitely fascinating, other peoples lives and what they are willing to put out there about themselves. I love the internet.

So to sum up, I just got my second post out of the way.

Sashie

Too Many Thoughts To Not Type

2006-04-30T14:39:00.000-07:00

It is a glorious spring afternoon and I seem unable to leave my home. I slept till 1:00. The days I work I long to be able to sleep in. The weekend rolls around and I can sleep in but when I do I feel guilty. WHY? I am sitting here in my pajamas. INSIDE when it is perfect outside. Sometimes I feel like every day is hurtling by so fast and before I know it I'll have missed on living this true authentic life. But rather than sitting here sniveling about the day I try to think "What one thing can I do today that is meaningful?" I try to think about that all the time. This day is going to be over in however many hours. When the clock is up what did I give or get from this one day?

So I think about stupid things. . . Should I do a load of laundry? Is that really gonna change the course of the next week? Not so much. But what will? I have all these larger projects. But all these little things keep me from doing anything about them.

Sometime I feel all stopped up. Sometimes I feel like I have all these thoughts that I never retain and if I did retain them that would make me a different, better person. So from now on when that happens I'm just gonna type.

Sashie